@SteveAgain

Twitter gives the lazy a voice. Its so easy to use. No thought or effort required. What a gift!  Being chronically lazy I had no way to share with the world my thoughts and feelings.  It turns out the world was better off not hearing them. Too bad for them!

There Is No Try, Only Meh

Thank god being a Jedi is not a real thing.  I would be the worst Jedi ever!  Using the force to grab Doritos from the kitchen without getting up.  Using my lightsaber to kill flies and open cans.  Don't even mention force choking the chicken!  I sense a great disturbance...

One Of Each, Not Two Of The Same!

Aberration of nature!  You shall have no mercy. You and your kind are not welcome here.  Your similarity is what divides. It cannot be allowed to stand.  The epithets that describe your unholy actions taste foul in our mouths. Peanut butter and peanut butter?!  I decry your lack of jelly!

It Puts The Lotion...

I don't know what dead people want so I tend to give them deodorant. They don't seem thrilled but it makes the rest of us feel a bit better.  That and being downwind.  I guess skin care products would be next. You just need a lot. Slather on that lotion!

PMH

My forbearers came to this land fleeing religious freedom. They were seeking persecution. Any kind! They just needed to be able to say they were into it before anyone. They self-flagellated under robes of flannel. The facial hair was ironic but none the less impressive. I'm descended from psuedo-masochistic hipsters!

Worst Launch Ever

Some considered it unwise, bad luck, or just plain stupid that they started their voyage by christening the ship by breaking an albatross across the bow. One hour later everyone was dead. The curse was immediate and eternal. On its own the ghost ship continued to plow up the deep.

Who's There?!

The devil stumbled into heaven more dead than alive, struggling to complete his mission. His ordinarily agile mind burned down to one single all consuming thought. He had caught the angels with their halos down around their ankles and he intended to make the most of it. Ding dong ditch!