In Shape

The god particle obviously created me in its own image (and I admit here I'm assuming that a particle is spherical).  I am gradually assuming perfection. Previous generations thought this required diligent prayer or contemplation. It turns out it just requires copious amounts of fried foods. Heaven has a drive-thru!

Nine More Minutes

Time travel; undoubtedly the greatest discovery in the history of mankind, fell into the wrong hands.  Mine. Did I want to go see the pyramids built? The birth of Christ? The Ramones at CBGB's? Nope.  I use it as the most advanced snooze button ever. Just nine more minutes.

Salads

Is it fair that vegetarians get a small version of their meal before the main course?  Shouldn't meat eaters be provided with the same courtesy?  A small plate of bacon and beef before my main burger course? Vegans might not like their food but I love mine. Equality for all!!!

Superman's Eyes

Most people have heard of the term stink eye but most people don't realize that it originated from Superman. It was one of the lesser known of his vision based superpowers. It wasn't really that useful in catching criminals but was absolutely hilarious at the hall of justice office parties.

No Help Here

She needed someone who could read the strange script that filled the huge leather(?) book.  When she tried, the words just squirmed around her centers of understanding. She was left feeling soiled and no more enlightened than when she started. Maybe the curse would never be lifted. She felt doomed.