There Is No Try, Only Meh

Thank god being a Jedi is not a real thing.  I would be the worst Jedi ever!  Using the force to grab Doritos from the kitchen without getting up.  Using my lightsaber to kill flies and open cans.  Don't even mention force choking the chicken!  I sense a great disturbance...

One Of Each, Not Two Of The Same!

Aberration of nature!  You shall have no mercy. You and your kind are not welcome here.  Your similarity is what divides. It cannot be allowed to stand.  The epithets that describe your unholy actions taste foul in our mouths. Peanut butter and peanut butter?!  I decry your lack of jelly!

It Puts The Lotion...

I don't know what dead people want so I tend to give them deodorant. They don't seem thrilled but it makes the rest of us feel a bit better.  That and being downwind.  I guess skin care products would be next. You just need a lot. Slather on that lotion!

PMH

My forbearers came to this land fleeing religious freedom. They were seeking persecution. Any kind! They just needed to be able to say they were into it before anyone. They self-flagellated under robes of flannel. The facial hair was ironic but none the less impressive. I'm descended from psuedo-masochistic hipsters!

Worst Launch Ever

Some considered it unwise, bad luck, or just plain stupid that they started their voyage by christening the ship by breaking an albatross across the bow. One hour later everyone was dead. The curse was immediate and eternal. On its own the ghost ship continued to plow up the deep.

Who's There?!

The devil stumbled into heaven more dead than alive, struggling to complete his mission. His ordinarily agile mind burned down to one single all consuming thought. He had caught the angels with their halos down around their ankles and he intended to make the most of it. Ding dong ditch!

They're Taking That Word Back

Dealing with the new post-dead was usually entertaining.  Noses falling off are surprisingly funny.  For the most part they were easy to get along with.  They don't feel the need to express their opinion.  Just never use the Z-word. That's the surest way to get your brains eaten.  Zombie please!

MPAL - Male Pattern Ass Loss

I can't say I gave it any thought when I was younger.  I just took it's abundance for granted.  But I
sure miss it now.  I miss having an ass.  I can't even keep my pants up!  It takes so many straps
and belts now.  MPAL is a real tragedy.

Worst Full Moon Ever

The guy had been irritating me all night, being loud and obnoxious. He also smelled like wet dog.
While leaving the bar I decided on the perfect way to express my displeasure. I dropped my pants
and mooned him. Had he not been a werewolf I'd still be alive today.

Them Hitler Boys

Georgina and Ester Satan had had a rough life. They were mild and unassuming but still trouble plagued them. When they met their beaus things seemed to turn around.  Everyone would look at them differently after the wedding. Steve and Ben were awesome! If only their last name wasn't Hitler.

Who Needs A Resume?

So I got my current job through a girl who forced it from her ex-boyfriend because he still lived with her.  It felt like an all around win.  He got to help his girl, she got to be controlling, and I got the best case of sexually transmitted employment ever.

Golem Not Gollum

After the failure that was my straw golem, I created a paper golem. I didn't think it through though. It turns out that a paper golem is just a book. I left him out, my wife read him, and that was all she wrote (pun intended). Maybe a brick golem...

Concept Vaccination

How is it that I can take something that exists in my head and translate it through another medium (or two) and now it exists in your head?  What if we accidentally developed a vaccine to prevent those ideas?  No more new concepts changing the world. Mental stagnation. Game over.

Beer Name Or Sex Act?

Headytopper is one of my favorites. Who cares if it's a beer or sex act?  As far as my taste buds are concerned, it's both.  (It's a beer.)  It would definitely pay to research these things more.  Ordering a blumpkin turned ugly. I'm definitely not welcome back in that brewery!