Your Next Book Is Due Monkey-Boy

If one were to follow James Morrow's suggestion and allow those lettered and learned monkeys to bang away on those typewriters, we would find in that library the most amazing things.  A version of the Odyssey where Odysseus quits to start a boy band?  A Midsummer Night's Dream with aliens?

A Man Walks Into A Bar

The man from Nantucket knew that being both an ex-priest and an ex-rabbi put him in some pretty exclusive company.  Also being a Polish blonde didn't hurt.  Being a practicing cannibal was just icing on the cake.  He walked into the bar knowing he was about to make joke history.

Why Does Santa Have A Sword?

The mutiny was an ignoble defeat to say the least.  Then they moved his beloved ship to the food court at the mall.  The scurvy dogs knew no shame!  And now this?!  Well a pirate had to eat.  "So what do ye be wantin' for Christmas me saucy little wench?"

You Bow Your Head

You bow your head in reverence. You know this is something you can't live without. Would you even want to? What would you do without it? You're as close to perfection as we can imagine. You bring our hands together and pray.  I mean play.   God we love our phones! 

We Used To Manufacture...

The spirit of industrial run was everywhere.  The non-sounds of a long lost cacophony echoed off the rusting hulks of machinery.  An entire way of life had moved on.  Seized devices yearned to move and be useful again.  In enforced patience they crouched in the dust ready to begin again.

The One That Got Away

I must admit that since I met you nothing has been the same. Thoughts of you, even though I don't
want them to,  obsess me. Things will never be the same.  I am fixated on what life's like now. God
how I wish you were the one that got away. 

The Mnemovore

The angel of memory has slowly been deserting me for some time. The angel itself, being a  mnemovore (an eater of memories), is no longer attracted to me. For some reason this is more  distressing to me than not remembering my past   Either way, I will be an island, lost to memory.

The Rest Of Our Lives... And More!

Many people wouldn't consider being the best of the of the stalkers a compliment, but, as far as I'm concerned, the best is the best. I consider it dedication to my craft  I also believe in life after death so you're stuck with me for the rest of our after lives.

Share My Soul

The ethics and morals of cloning were lost on me, I just needed the money. When I discovered,  through prayer and consultation with spiritual professionals, that my soul inhabited all genetic  incarnations of my cells, it seemed like a no-brainer.  Then I died and invaded heaven. Good was not pleased.

Eat It! Eat It!

It turns out my mulching mower is a war crime against nature. Chopping the grass so it can be  reabsorbed by the soil, and then fed to the very same grass is a method of forced cannibalism. To  save it, I will no longer mow. Freedom for both of us.

Concentrate People!

Septa Lemore slowly moved through the prescribed forms necessary for a spell of well being. Each
languid stretch moved her thin grey shift so that it covered less of her taut tanned body.  The male
prayers around her skewed more erect. The result was instead a spell of fertility.  Again.

Strike!

The lightning and thunder chased itself silly in the clouds, looking for a way to escape to where they could *really* party. Iron rods in the beach seemed to finally promise what they had been looking for. One by one they made the connection, only to become more hippie art.

Bad Or Worse?

The priest hunched and shivered in the corner. His body shaking so badly that his prayers came out in a rushed, stuttering torrent. Yet despite the near panic, the prayers seemed half-hearted, deflated. The monster had crushed his faith along with the other's heads. If it was instead the Devil...

Say My Name!

Often, my mind tempts me with things that I think would be unexpected and therefore funny. On an  airplane however this is not likely to end well. Do I want to be the guy no one notices, or do I want to have a new FAA regulation named after me?

Do You Know Why I Pulled You Over Tonight?

You heard me say it. *I* heard me say it. But no one else did. My advances were very undesirable.  My suggestions both lewd and perverse.  But unless someone else knows...  It will shock you how much this never happened.  No one will believe you. I love bein' a cop.

Nuked Us Like A Frozen Dinner

Glass footprints were strung out across the desert towards the dawn of a new age. The new super humans didn't think like us so it shouldn't be surprising we didn't expect their actions. Generations of assumptions made us easy marks.  We were sure they would protect us, not destroy us.

Clean Your Plate

You must eat everything on your plate before you can have fun. It seems benign, even beneficial.  But this advice could account for the obesity epidemic as well as other things. Maybe our urge to  consume the planet is just our parents urging us to clean our plates (writ large).

They Will Rise Up Against Us

I really didn't think anything of it. Had I read closer, well, all of mankind might still be around. The in-flight catalog had some very unusual items in it. Skull grinding treads?  Red laser eyes?  Molten metal that can take virtually any shape?  Who orders from the skynet mall catalog?

The Noose

As I twisted the rope into an intricate noose I wondered, would it hold the necessary weight?  I knew there would be violent swinging and jerking.  I tossed it over the stout beam and have it a tug.  Eventually there would be screaming and yelling.  I was great at piñatas!

Don't Say H-O-M-E Around Grandpa

Many young folks want to have nothing to do with the older generation but not my grand-kids.   They're the best!  They called me out of the blue and really wanted to hang out.  I've never heard of this place we're going to though.   Golden sleepy acres?  Assisted living?  What the...?!

Who Is This?

Jessica had committed 268 grisly murders mostly in and around Cabot Cove Maine. Being a very moral person this caused an acute mental break with reality. The only way she could cope with these horrible acts was to picture herself, no believe, that she had solved them, not committed them.

The N-Word

The use of the n-word was OK for our people but extremely offensive when used by others. We would have openly admitted taking it back but we never did ANYTHING openly. It was almost as if our darkness affected our use of language (or non-use).   Are we unhappy?  Ninja please!

Here's Some Fan Fiction For Ya, Kindle Worlds!

"Crap!", said Hellboy as he kicked open the door to the Chamber of Secrets.  The Tribbles sitting on the Ark of the Covenant were going to piss off the Replicant Jedi.  Just then a glitch in the Matrix allowed the Stargate to open. Fan fiction isn't so hard thought Steve...

Dang Billy-Bubba!

Earlier in the day his dog had stolen his pickup and left town with his wife.  The twister had wiped out his trailer along with his collection of singing fish plaques.  Somehow all the beer and whiskey in town had dried up.  Being a living Country song sure wasn't easy!

Next Summer Camp, Please

Serial killer camp was definitely the worst summer camp.  Everyone trying to one-up everybody else.  The stabby guy goes after the hammer girl who goes after the burning guy. It was the worst game of "get the last word in" ever.  Worse than Siamese twins with intimacy issues.  Thanks Mom.

The Cure For The Internet

Initially it seemed the free flow of information on the Internet would simultaneously be the bane and boon of civilization.  Ideas both good and bad spread with alarming virulence. Only the development of an intellectual inoculation would stem the spread of "ideas".  Ten years later no one remembers the Internet.

Men Who Don't Think With Their...

Many women complain that men only love them for their bodies.  Who would have thought that the end of the world would bring the answer to their prayers? Meeting guys who weren't fixated on boobs was no longer a problem. It's all brains now. The zombie apocalypse for the win!

I Used To Know That Again

My fading memory causes increasing grief.  From not knowing why I came into the room to giving friends the mistaken impression that they aren't important to me because I don't remember how we met.  The drug that restored my memories was at first miraclulous.  But now I remember every slight...

Heather - Welcome Back?

That wasn’t the welcome I was looking forward to. I can’t believe he did this to me! Good thing I just bought a handful of new spring scarves at the outlet mall. This is the last time I leave my boyfriend for the weekend with my Twilight DVDs lying around!

Did I Say That Out Loud?

Have you ever said something that should have stayed in your head? It's like the brain babysitter went to take a crap and that thought just ran right out into the middle of the street. Where was my filter when I needed it? I'll never be able to explain this...

Heather - Butterflies!

It’s been a long, dreary winter. But alas, spring has sprung! You know the signs – the beautiful sunshine, faint smell of fresh cut grass, tulips blooming, butterflies emerging and fluttering about; and a woman running around frantically waving her arms around her head. Oh, so that’s just MY sister then?!

Title To Follow

The sound bounced beautifully around the small chamber, barely losing volume. It was almost as if the space had been designed for it.  Only one man admired the acoustical perfection.  He figured
the others were idiots, immune to sonic charm.  It turns out they were just distracted by the smell.

The Fart In The Elevator.

Heather - Happy Anniversary

It was a warm summer evening in 1996. A young college chick showed up to play softball. Not looking for anything but some laughs, maybe exercise and probably beer, her life would change forever. He asked, “Wanna warm up? I have the balls!” And it would be happily ever after…

What pool?

My neighbors really want me to get a pool.  It doesn't even make sense, everybody around me already has one.  I think local businesses have even caught wind of it.  I have to admit, the pool cleaning guy that keeps coming around seems a bit premature to me.

Heather Stetler - "Pool Cleaner"

While standing at the picture window, patiently waiting, she glanced down at her iPhone. Pulling into the driveway was Paco’s Pool Cleaning van. He arrived every Wednesday promptly at Noon. As she watched him walk to the front door, she thought, “one of these days we should get a pool.”

Incoming!

People tend to be suspicious of unexpected happiness, of joy that just falls into their laps. In an effort to bring a smile to the world I carefully loaded the t-shirt gun with kittens.  These cranky bastards were going to get 80 psi of surprised meowing joy to the groin!

Just Looking For An Excuse

The man slouched further into his battered overcoat and seethed with rage.  There was nothing worse than being in a bad mood and having no one to take it out on.  In school there had been no shortage of targets.  Someone was going to be sorry today!  Any minute now...

A Poem To A Crying Woman

There is a woman
who is the key to my success,
though I have never spoken to her.
She sits outside each morning and cries,
and where each tear lands,
a flower grows.
The neighbors think I beat her.
How can I make them understand?
Without her my floral business...

The Dark Angel (Hellblazer)

Constantine didn't like dealing with the dark angel. Something about it put his teeth on edge. He stared silently at the winged creature. It stared back. In his head he heard, "Alright, take a closer look; see what you really don't want to see." Each feather a trapped screaming soul...

It Runs On What?

The alien ship dominated the sky.  Stretching nearly from horizon to horizon it overwhelmed the senses.  Its appearance was almost as puzzling as its place of first contact.  Nearly every Costco had a similar ship hovering over it.  Who knew these things would run on enormous quantities of diet mayo?

Hey Mon, You Feel A Draft?

It was at reggae shows that he missed his hair the most.  Drinking Red Stripe, swinging your head and swaying to the beat were in his most cherished memories.  He never thought he'd lament the loss of something (supposedly) so frivolous.  Oh well, maybe the chemo would work this time.

Show Dragon

The last dragon heaved a sulpherous sigh and tried to find a more comfortable position.  A victim of their own success (and a very good press agent) they had been hunted to extinction for their scales.  They were known to spin light into ephemeral gossamer patterns.  Almost time.  Damn Vegas.

He Gives Them Out Like Candy

No one knew that the Vulcan nerve pinch caused cancer.  Usually by time the victim regained consciousness the perpetrator was long gone. The goiters that swelled up much later pinched off blood flow, were resistant to all drugs and inevitably fatal.  Spock became one of the galaxy's worst serial killers.

Better Cleaning Through HGH

Muscling my fridge open I was surprised to see all my cans of pop tumble down, raining carbonation like a mini world series celebration.  Apparently the Barry Bonds method of cleaning your home faster was creating much more of a mess than it cleaned up. The steroids obviously weren't helping.

Asleep in life's waiting room

There were dark nooses swinging in the shadows of his mind.  He wouldn't be ignored.  Asleep in life's waiting room the people of the city were only now becoming aware of their danger.  Time to give the press another lurid headline.  Love and a good knife were enough for immortality.

Ad Screens Everywhere

The cheap, flexible and high resolution displays were initially hailed as a boon by tech fans. Flexible phones and tablets broke less and could be made in any shape imaginable. Then the ads started. Everywhere.  At first seen as annoying the political ads on toilet seats now feel strangely satisfying.

Unintended Consequences

The revolutionary new telomerase therapies greatly increased the life span of the body's cells.  Keeping telomeres (the little caps that protect the ends of the chromosomes) from shortening boosted the immune system and generally lengthened life.  

None of the experts foresaw these immortal cells causing cancer to sweep the world.