She was done, she thought calmly as she lay a bead of superglue along the seal of the refrigerator door and firmly closed it. Her boss was incompetent, her coworkers were wolves, and her pay was half the national average. Now her lunch had disappeared from the office fridge. Enough.
(originally published 4/6/12)
Friday, August 31, 2012
Man/Child
As he receeded from her in distance he also seemed to receed from her in years, till he seemed just a teenager. When they were up close and personal he was all man. The further away he was the more childlike he became.
It explains the toilet seat, she thought.
(originally published 4/13/12)
It explains the toilet seat, she thought.
(originally published 4/13/12)
Poker?! I Hardly Know Her!
Abraham Lincoln raised $10 and asked Winston Churchill to pass the bean dip. Marie Antoinette folded and put her head down moaning that everything has been downhill since La Révolution. "You know", said Elvis, wrinkling his nose, "I'm not sure we should play at Jonah's place anymore, it smells funny."
(originally published 3/30/12)
(originally published 3/30/12)
How Embarrassing!
It's now or never thought Orville. He faked a yawn and slipped an arm around his
date. She didn't pull away! Maybe tonight was the night! With mounting
excitement he slipped another arm around, another, and then another.
Everything was perfect until-- no! Premature inkage! A floating cloud of shame.
Don't Make Eye Contact
The Segway gangs of Waikiki were legendary. Terrorizing the young and old alike they were nearly unstoppable. From their matching safety helmets to their embroidered fanny packs they practically oozed solidarity. Mess with one and you were sure to bring whirring, swaying death (or mild irritation) down on your head.
(originally published 8/24/12)
(originally published 8/24/12)
Photosynthesize this!
The sentient tree was most irked and wasn't afraid to let him know. Would you excrete waste all over me if I was one of your meat-bag friends? The fronds leaned closer. Hmmm?
Aren't you doing it to me now? he replied. A most disagreeable thought.
Call it even? Deal.
(originally published 8/18/12)
Aren't you doing it to me now? he replied. A most disagreeable thought.
Call it even? Deal.
(originally published 8/18/12)
Grin and... Uh oh!
The clashing black and white planes of his smile brought to mind an epileptic disco ball, or perhaps a drunken thunder god. Some saw it and suddeny thought they had left the gas on. The more aware started marking the exits. The grin had more mayhem than mirth about it.
(originally published 8/11/12)
(originally published 8/11/12)
Sponsored by Nike
Being a diehard pagan most of my life I found it strange to play in a church softball league. It was hard not to curse after popping the ball up. Moving to the cult league turned out to be even more surreal. Just don't drink the Kool-Aid after the games.
(originally published 8/3/12)
(originally published 8/3/12)
Say Again?
...didn't work. It was a difficult situation he had gotten himself into. This was literally a matter of time. His solution was ingenious but ultimately flawed. Mercifully he was unaware of this. Concentrate! If this wasn't exactly right he'd be stuck in a time loop forever. But it appeared it...
(originally published 7/27/12)
(originally published 7/27/12)
Go Towards The Light Already!
The car accident had left him hovering between life and death. He found the near death experience people were wrong. You don't rise up over your body, you sink below it. Damn! Those pants really *do* make my ass look big. Oh well. At least the nurses were wearing skirts.
(originally published 7/20/12)
(originally published 7/20/12)
CJ Collins: creme brulée
"How long does creme brulée take?" he asks as I cover the custard layer with sugar.
"Long enough for the sugar melt into a hard crust." I answer placing the ramekin under the broiler.
"Ahh," he says knowingly, nodding his head, and then asks, "How long does creme brulée take?"
(originally published 7/13/12)
"Long enough for the sugar melt into a hard crust." I answer placing the ramekin under the broiler.
"Ahh," he says knowingly, nodding his head, and then asks, "How long does creme brulée take?"
(originally published 7/13/12)
Everyone But You
There was a special level of Hell reserved for child molesters and people who take calls in movie theaters. People not smart enough to operate their turn signal or count the items in their cart were there too. These were the dregs of humanity.
I must be here by mistake.
(originally published 7/6/12)
I must be here by mistake.
(originally published 7/6/12)
From Chelle Kilmury
The sediment has cleared enough for me to reach up and grab a bubble rising to the top.
A custodian continues to push his broom down the hall, glitter trailing each swipe.
Time did not wake me up, to inform of its passing.
25 years and I am still asleep.
(originally published 7/6/12)
A custodian continues to push his broom down the hall, glitter trailing each swipe.
Time did not wake me up, to inform of its passing.
25 years and I am still asleep.
(originally published 7/6/12)
CJ Collins
From the bottom drawer of the refrigerator I remove several fingers of ginger root.
“What’s that?” asks Greg, looking at the beige segmented cluster inquisitively.
“Ginger.” I reply, holding it out for closer inspection.
“How long has she been dead?” he asks with surprise, “And what does Mary-Ann look like?”
(originally published 7/6/12)
“What’s that?” asks Greg, looking at the beige segmented cluster inquisitively.
“Ginger.” I reply, holding it out for closer inspection.
“How long has she been dead?” he asks with surprise, “And what does Mary-Ann look like?”
(originally published 7/6/12)
Revolution
The carpenter stood shoulder to shoulder with the bookbinder who, in turn, stood
with the cooper. They were a motley lot at best with nary a soldier among them.
Could freedom be bought by such as these? Live free or die trying shouted the
general! The citizens went to war.
(originally published 7/6/12)
with the cooper. They were a motley lot at best with nary a soldier among them.
Could freedom be bought by such as these? Live free or die trying shouted the
general! The citizens went to war.
(originally published 7/6/12)
...and I feel fine...
Seen from the air it was spectacular. Buildings crumbled under storms of fire.
No one knew who developed the bombs, only that they were cheap, assembled easily,
and devestatingly powerful. The end of the world was surprisingly beautiful. Now
though, there was nowhere for the jet to go but down...
(originally published 6/29/12)
No one knew who developed the bombs, only that they were cheap, assembled easily,
and devestatingly powerful. The end of the world was surprisingly beautiful. Now
though, there was nowhere for the jet to go but down...
(originally published 6/29/12)
She was so quiet...
Janine had a body for the chess club and a face for radio. The popular girls never let her forget it. Her mom said she was "special" and had a "wonderful personality". 'She forgot to mention I'm a crack shot' she growled as she reloaded and headed for algebra class...
(originally published 7/2/12)
(originally published 7/2/12)
A Bad Day
He changed the flat tire as the cold driving rain soaked him to the skin. He could feel the cough rumbling deep in his lungs as he struggled to remove the stubborn lug nuts. What else could go wrong today? Just in time the 30 day waiting period was up.
(originally published 6/15/12)
(originally published 6/15/12)
Pirate as a career choice.
Woodpeckers be the bane of me existence. Poison ivy can be deadly if you've a hook for a hand. You don't get a discount on your optical benefits if you be wearing an eye patch.
Let's see now, what else did that scurvy dog of a guidance counselor leave out?
(originally published 6/2/12)
Let's see now, what else did that scurvy dog of a guidance counselor leave out?
(originally published 6/2/12)
Missing Someone...
It was times like this she missed him most. They had been lovers and best friends for more years than she dared remember. Also his cover fire had been impeccable. now shooting her way out past the cops would be dicey. Her one true love would be most useful now...
(originally published 5/25/12)
(originally published 5/25/12)
Scrappy Doo. A Magnum. Thanks Grand Dad.
Having been a member in good standing of the ASPCA he never saw this coming. While never having owned a dog himself he had always been fond of his friend's canine pets. Ordinarily he would consider the cold blooded killing of dog horrific. But this? Scrappy Doo. Totally worth it.
(originally published 5/18/12)
(originally published 5/18/12)
Did you know you can store a message in DNA?
There was evidence that this world had once supported life. Possibly a once highly advanced civilization had flourished here. The visitor read the message encoded in the virus' DNA with increasing amazement. Incredible technology to leave such a legacy from a long dead race. What was a David Hasslehoff anyways?
(originally published 5/11/12)
(originally published 5/11/12)
Allez Cuisine!
After one hour the kitchen was silent, the dishes were plated and the Iron Chef was dead. The blast chiller had been used-- to deadly effect. "Got it! It was the challenger, in kitchen stadium, with daikon radish as the theme ingredient!"
This was the strangest version of Clue yet.
(originally published 5/14/12)
This was the strangest version of Clue yet.
(originally published 5/14/12)
CJ Collins: For Whom the Drunk Drools
The mirror behind the bar let me observe the crowd unnoticed as I sipped my scotch. Busy even for Saturday night, their raucousness and out-of-context exclamations were curious short fiction stories, like the woman who howled “Do not ask for whom the drunk drools!” before collapsing onto the table, drooling.
(originally published 5/5/12)
(originally published 5/5/12)
Deep Thoughts
Sitting here I ponder my deepest thoughts. How does a modern man face mortality? Have I instilled a sense of morality and responsibility in my daughter? Were my choices those of an upright individual? Why did I eat all that cheese? Dammit! Don't bother me when I'm in the bathroom!
(originally published 4/27/12)
(originally published 4/27/12)
CJ Collins: The Traffic Circle
The traffic circle did change things, yes. Intersection traffic flows counter-clockwise around the circle; the traffic signal gone, entering traffic yields to circle traffic; signs show which lane for which direction. The principle that you can’t make turns through another lane of traffic, through another vehicle? It didn’t change that.
(originally published 4/27/12)
(originally published 4/27/12)
CJ Collins: The Nut-Driver
Take a small glass, add two ounces of vodka, six to eight ounces orange juice and you’ve got yourself a nice screwdriver. Get your vitamin C. But add to that two ounces of almond syrup and now you’ve got yourself a nut-driver. It’s good, isn’t it? Cyanide tastes like almonds.
(originally published 4/27/12)
(originally published 4/27/12)
Best Novel Evarrr
He read with rapture, "When the cold of poverty sweeps the mucus of despair into the nostrils of our lives we must rise up, grab the hanky of justice and blow our way to freedom and happiness". Oh yeah thought Steve, this is going to be the best novel ever.
(originally published 4/20/12)
(originally published 4/20/12)
Matt Jarrells
And there it was, laying in wait for three decades among an acquaintance's mouldering record collection, anticipating a chance encounter with a boy, now a man, who meditated upon its sounds while learning to read: Batman and Sherlock Holmes in the Mystery of the Scarecrow Corpse. A Good Friday, indeed.
(originally published 4/6/12)
(originally published 4/6/12)
I told you to pick up your toys!
Frank Capra said when a bell rings an angel gets its wings. The Valenti Handbell Choir falling down the spiral staircase because of a bag of spilled marbles caused a population explosion in Heaven. This caused a corresponding build up in Hell. Looks like Billy caused a spiritual cold war.
(originally published 4/6/12)
(originally published 4/6/12)
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