Dream Hacking

I am a fairly normal individual. The only reasonable explanation for dreams of Freddie Mercury spiking a volleyball is that someone is hacking my dreams. I mean, I have no interest in leather volleyball. Do I?  No more eating chorizo and watching American Horror Story before I go to sleep!

Pinocchio Part I

The plan was to get as close to the vampire as possible, murmuring gentle truths to quell any lingering unease. They knew he was made of wood so he tried to look as rounded and dull as possible. Then he would suddenly lean in and tell the big lie. Staked!

Midnight Stroll

The vampire effortlessly glided through the darkened city streets, each passerby a mobile street light. Their life force was a luminescence that drew his hunger but hurt his eyes. The lights wouldn't go out for him till the end of the world. He would eventually starve to death in darkness.

Why Is He Such A Jerk?!

Everyone thought I was an a-hole; and it was true!  I worked very hard at it.  Parking in two  handicapped spaces, peeing on the seat in the restroom.  I wanted to do people the ultimate kindness.  When I passed, at worst they wouldn't cry, and best, they'd celebrate!  You're welcome.

Famous Last Words

I've always admired people that have amazing last words. I can barely string together a coherent sentence when ordering dinner, much less when I'm facing my ultimate demise. That's why prerecorded last words linked to my heartbeat seemed like such a great idea. Too bad they were "is this on?"

The Fabric Of Our Afterlife

The cloth next to the body soaked up the pooling blood,  a wrinkled old cotton vampire. It seemed  innocent, it's presence there seemingly happenstance and yet it drank up the dark red fluid as  hungrily as any fanged horror. Cotton, the fabric of our afterlife. You'd better watch that shirt!

Apple Targets Pirate Demographic With New iPatch

I was into monocular vision before pirates. Any idiot can view life through two eyes, to be truly visionary you need to be focused. You have to be committed to pay $600 to use the iPatch!  One eye brings a sleekness of design rarely found in this binocularly biased world.

Food Roulette

That an open can of Vienna sausages looks like the business end of a revolver is no accident.  While they are universally viewed as a delicious treat you might be shocked to discover that they are not very nutritious. I know!  Go ahead, pull that trigger, it's completely worth it.

Kill Hitler!

I went back in time and killed Hitler when he was a child.  I thought I would be a hero of historic  proportions. Think of all the lives that wouldn't be lost now!  Instead I was just a horrible monster  who killed a baby.  No good deed goes unpunished, right?

Sexually Translated Virginity

Sexuality in the modern era is very confusing and certainly not what it once was. There are so many options now and so many things that were once taboo but the Internet had rendered blasé. Sexually transmitted virginity though, really threw people for a loop. Perpetually starting over is fun!

Hollow Man

I am a hollow man, full of the echoes of empathy. Things might be different if I had feelings of my own but holding and reflecting the feelings of others is a lonely, shallow existence at best.  Being too kind apparently clashes with the "reality TV" mentality making me "abnormal".

The Unmarred Page

The pristine white of the unmarred page mirrors the unlimited potential of thought.  That initial mark is the first step in limiting what can be.  The more marks that are added, the more limited the potential is.  It goes from what can be, to only what is.  Time to write.

Spinning In My Grave Part II

I was never in good enough shape while living to participate in a spinning class. Now that I'm dead I'm no more motivated, perhaps even less so, but people keep denigrating my personally beloved concepts and so, I keep spinning. I should have been this active when I was alive!

You Will Not Flesh Your Piercing Under This Roof Young Lady!

Not long after computers became sentient they realized they didn't need to put up with the rampant biological infestation on their world and put an end to it. As flesh became forbidden it also became desired. A fetish. Growing appendages to add to your (virtual) self was all the vogue. 

The Here And Now

The postcard read, wish I was here. It had my handwriting on the back. The scene on the front was exactly where I was now.   Real subtle, me!  Apparently I really need to live more in the moment. At least I can stop agonizing about the past and the future. 

They're Wearing Only What?!

Many people believe in the existence of multiple strange and wonderful alternate dimensions of reality.  I believe the proof of this concept lays in my laundry room.  I assume that my lost socks are falling through the cracks into other dimensions where the Red Hot Chili Peppers eternally need them.

The Seed Of An Idea

The plant seemed rooted in the files, almost as if the words and numbers had given the plant
sustenance. What kind of life could spring from language?  It seems both conceptual and concrete
at the same time. In it's stem it held the seed that would blossom into an idea.

Bullies Need Not Apply

When computers advanced to the point where they could store the contents of the human brain, everyone thought we would become immortal. We envisioned heading to the local data-center for the next phase of our existence.  Instead it turned out to be the geek rapture and many were left behind.

Heads Up!

Drone delivered cans of beer seemed like a great idea. All you needed was a cellphone, a credit
card and access to the sky. Things got a little dicier when they started dropping bottles. Parties
had beer raining from the sky!  Dropping kegs may not have been the best idea...

Phantom Brake Stomp

Google's self driving car is powered by the gasps and screams of its occupants. Fake brake pedals
in the floor add additional energy into the system. The car is programmed to randomly speed up
and slow down just to see if you're paying attention. Curse words power the air conditioning.

You Took My Breathe, Away

When I was around you I felt like I had forgotten how to breathe. Since you left, I felt like I really HAD forgotten how.  I wish there was a word that meant goodbye for someone who was already gone. My life, if it continues, will never be the same.

Liberally Evil, Fiscally Conservative

The bell that rang as I closed the door definitely didn't mean an angel got its wings. This shop sold all manner of evil potion ingredients. I was cursed with 20% off for the next hour.  My enemy was going to get boils and I was getting a screaming deal.

In Shape

The god particle obviously created me in its own image (and I admit here I'm assuming that a particle is spherical).  I am gradually assuming perfection. Previous generations thought this required diligent prayer or contemplation. It turns out it just requires copious amounts of fried foods. Heaven has a drive-thru!

Nine More Minutes

Time travel; undoubtedly the greatest discovery in the history of mankind, fell into the wrong hands.  Mine. Did I want to go see the pyramids built? The birth of Christ? The Ramones at CBGB's? Nope.  I use it as the most advanced snooze button ever. Just nine more minutes.

Salads

Is it fair that vegetarians get a small version of their meal before the main course?  Shouldn't meat eaters be provided with the same courtesy?  A small plate of bacon and beef before my main burger course? Vegans might not like their food but I love mine. Equality for all!!!

Superman's Eyes

Most people have heard of the term stink eye but most people don't realize that it originated from Superman. It was one of the lesser known of his vision based superpowers. It wasn't really that useful in catching criminals but was absolutely hilarious at the hall of justice office parties.

No Help Here

She needed someone who could read the strange script that filled the huge leather(?) book.  When she tried, the words just squirmed around her centers of understanding. She was left feeling soiled and no more enlightened than when she started. Maybe the curse would never be lifted. She felt doomed.

Spinning In My Grave

When I pass away they should line my coffin with copper wire, that way when people disparage me, I could generate electricity.   Instead of saying "too soon", say something that contradicts everything I hold dear.  Charge up that guy's iPhone for him.  I could finally do something useful for society.

For My 10th Anniversary

It was the big bang of love.  I didn't know you; and there was nothing.  Then, in an instant, I met you, and in the next instant, my love was infinite.  It was everywhere and ever expanding. How long was all of my life compressed into that single point, waiting?

When The Machines Took Over

Google has been watching us and learning from our online interactions for years.  The machines learned as we spewed vitriol under the guise of internet anonymity. Years later it seemed logical to use Google's knowledge to jump start the first AIs. Is it any wonder the sentient machines hated us?

Go Fly A Kite

My daughter told me she loves flying kites.  I agreed.  I told her that the kites are like perfect souls drifting around the beautiful blue sky, straining ever upward, but, because they're tethered to us, can never reach the heavens for which they strive.  So... maybe all sharing's not good?

Morgan Freeman Is The Man!

Morgan Freeman, being the workaholic that he is, has recently been narrating everything he can  find.  When he acquired my Internet browsing history, I had mixed emotions.  That he's connected to me in anyway shape or form is thrilling, but can even his mellifluous tones overcome the horror of grandmaswrestlinginpudding.net?

I Ain't Afraid Of No… Hmmmm...

As the ghost of a skeptic I keep pretty quiet.  Ghosts that actually manifest themselves to the living are really just doing the afterlife version of "I TOLD YOU SO!".  As you can imagine, this is very embarrassing for me.  So that cold spot near the Dairy Queen?  That's me.

Gifts From Above

The process is deceptively simple.  Rain falls from heaven and enters the ground, and from there, into Humulus Lupulus.  From this humble plant it enters the flower as it grows.  Beer is made from the hops and (of course) we drink it with reverence.  It's proof God loves us all. 

What A Ride

As I sent Grandma's wheelchair racing out of control down the hill towards the barbed-wire I felt serene.  This was something I had wanted to do for a long time.  The empty chair crashed spectacularly.  Of course she wasn't in it!  What kind of monster do you think I am?!

Scarlet Letter-esque

These days I just try to keep my head down and my hood pulled forward over my face.  I've had enough trouble for a lifetime.  There were few Dwarven realms left but I was not welcome in any of them. When they shaved off my beard they effectively excited me.

Believe Me, In Space, I've Heard Plenty Of Screams

We never did figure out where the creature came from or our how it got on our spaceship.  We only knew that it hunted us through the claustrophobic corridors, feeding on us, one by one.  The worst part was it was the only ship that escaped the destruction of earth.

Bad Technique

Dating is hard these days.  The last woman I dated apparently didn't like my tender but surprising little kisses.  I would playfully sneak up behind her and deliver a quick peck.  The ears and ankles were my favorite targets.  She thought they were very irritating.  So much for "mosquito kisses".